He's my all!

2008-08-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

i typed one whole blog post and deleted it soon after.
i typed a few long smses and deleted them as well.
i thought a lot for the entire day and the only conclusion i drew, although unwillingly at times was

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
-James1:2-3

why?
because i dont have the liberty to be angry at times,
because i dont have the liberty to show my frustrations openly when i really am
because i dont have the liberty to do whatever i want without people coming to tell me: hey ens, that wasnt very right.
because i dont have the liberty to ignore even when i really really want to
because i dont have the liberty to argue and pretend nothing ever happen
because i dont have the liberty to gossip and bitch and do everything a girl would do
because at the end of the day, the life that i lead are linked to so many others that one wrong move i make might just result in a catastrophic consequence.(probably not that bad, but it will still be bad)

im not exactly a mel person, but i know i've been thinking the whole day on alot of issues. at the end of the day, people are concern, people understand after they hear about stuff, but somehow, i feel that i want to be selfish enough to keep my thoughts to myself. i dont want the same thing that happened to Y and me to happen again. maybe i shld really heed D's advice followed by C.

there will never come a day i will be able to do everything well, but i just want to tell myself with a clear conscience, like what C said, that i've done my best (:
but what constitutes my best?
i really dont know.
but,when my best causes me to be misunderstood, causes me to fumble, causes me to think twice about what im doing, i dont know if i want to continue my best, seriously.

i think i dont sound myself in this post D:

on a side note, like what jontay says, there are always things to thank God for and one of them includes the meet up with the J3s at cathay on sat. i remember telling limin, the pastures are greener on the other side. i wonder, if i had foreseen the circumstances now, would i have said the exact same words. i really wonder (:

2008-08-04T01:55:00.004+08:00

i have learnt now that while those who speak of their miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent usually hurt more

how many times do ppl know that when you are silent, you are hurt? the same feeling came back all over again. but this time, his words came into my mind. i dont want to put my own stumbling blocks into my own paths, because that would hurt myself and the people ard me.

2008-08-03T22:36:00.000+08:00

finished ftb run 2 (: a sense of achievement. and like what qianjin said, i really learnt from this camp. but apart from the learnings, i was really shagged. havent had such camps for quite some time and im having muscle aches and blue blacks ): okay, probably not as much as the rest cos i didnt do tunnelling ): or played most of The Last Stand games but its hurting and i have no idea how im gg to drive tmr. i wont have strength to press the clutch!

i feel like such a pig because i slept from 2 last night till 10 this morning and then from 1 till 7 at night. my bed never felt more comfy than before and the food on my dining table never felt SO nice before. the food at ftb was seriously BAD.

clm last night was great :D there's always timely reminders on what i can, have and should do even more for my group whom like god, deserves the BEST.

worship was apt
if you were to lose the whole world, would you still choose god?

teaching was good
“Not all readers become leaders. But all leaders must be readers.”
– Harry Truman

and yes i get it, i shld start reading the book jontay passed me. enough procrastination and enough its-not-in-my-blood kind of attitude. like what shirls said, if you dont have it, just go and get it.

last phrase that really got me thinking.

what’s the use of arriving safely at the wrong destination

-shirls

it ties in absolutely with ftb (:

2008-07-29T02:31:00.001+08:00

im so glad i chose to do the right thing! i think i've finally got the knot off my heart. god, once again, continue to enlarge it so that i dont stop at what i've just did (:

on another note, im just so irritated with my smu email! :/ its SO full that it could explode anytime. they really send emails for the SMALLEST of things! i dont exactly have the time to bother abt my inbox and its killing me!
and time is running out this week. i dont have all the time in the world. okay, i just pray that i can leave FTB earlier on sat, come on god, just this once :D you know i never like camps as such. i think i shld have chosen run 3/4! ): IM SO DREADING THURSDAY! and great, im gg to miss the pre-camp dinner tmr so im gg to be a step back. great, just great!
now the whole world is talking about SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL. matric, cca, medical checkup, career talk and before i know it, school's will start. i actually LOVE my life very much now that i would rather not start school. but, that would just be another dream of mine ):

and back to the qns, should i or should i not? responsibilities, management, lives, privilege, comfort zone. now you tell me, should i or should i not?

2008-07-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

it was a big sigh of relief (:

yay! i must really thank god for the entire bbq! :D more pics are gg to be up on the unit blog when i pass it on to someone else! but im really glad the saints enjoyed themselves. and that wen and huaiching came (: this really open my perspective as to how events like this are really useful! okay, i've got to start planning more!

2008-07-17T01:53:00.003+08:00

sometimes i really hate it when you say you'll try

and then, you don't

2008-07-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

IM A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL! ((((:

after 2 days of SHOPPING with yihui, min and my mummy, i bought
2 dresses
1 pair of shoes
1 skirt
1 jeans
2 shorts
1 leggings
3 teeshirts
1 jumper

:DDDDDDDDDDD

this is just the start of uni. i cant believe the number of camps that are being organised just for us freshmen. being the unsociable me, i only signed up for FTB, because its compulsory. come to think of it, im half excited, half dreading uni to start. im starting later than the rest and i found out that almost all my uni events actually crash with ministry ones. oh great! i really need to depend on god a great deal more.

2008-07-14T01:16:00.002+08:00

i am (: because
zhiwei and qi is back! so we are left with only jontay before we are complete again!
i enjoyed my bday with the sacg (:
emily and delvin got water baptised today!
i caught up with silin, with regina (leqi was sick ): ) after sooooo long! but when girls come together, they incessantly chat about anything under the sky <3 we are all gg into different schools but we know the next time we meet, it would be more than just a simple gathering. thanks dears for the bday dinner treat! (:
ppl that i didnt imagine remembering remembered my bday! haha, just like how shiwei said "there are friends that pass you by, but there are some friends that you will remember."
god spoke really divinely through jon babe and the sermon on sat. philippians 2:12-18 i think i will remember this verse for a loooooooonnnnnng time! i was really touched by babe's sms!
though im not exactly (: abt nana, but im really glad she was honest to me. in that way, i can help and pray for her to the best that i know how.
my matriculation on tues was a success. school fees, camp sign ups, security card etc. now im just praying FTB will turn out fine! thank God it isnt gg to be like reg!
the matthew event to escape was fun with jolyn, besides the fact that i only sat 3 rides in the entire escape! LOL.
i think i overcomed my personal struggle for the last few weeks, which is totally YAYYYYY!

and many many many manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more! :D

but im ): because
we havent found a bbq pit!
no matter how i try to do my best in certain areas, I DONT SEE THE RESULTS I WANT! is it my fault! )))))):
and i did my 50 crunches only on the first day! AHHHHHH! i must get back my motivation! -christopher leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

okay but i shall be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks to the lord in all circumstances!
pictures will be up some time soon. im too lazy to upload them now!

2008-07-11T00:55:00.002+08:00

im gg to do 50 crunches from today.
say BYEBYE to my tummy in one month time! :D

AND CHRISTOPHER LEE IS DAMM HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

2008-07-09T01:35:00.002+08:00

when i see others, i dont want to compare, God.
help me help me to become like one of them, so that i can be used greatly in your kingdom.
let them be my motivation because if it can be done there, it can be done here.
i dont want to see the superficial, i want to see that above all, quality is what matters. i have quality, and when i become right with god, then things will become better.

let me love
let me pray
let me teach
let me lead
let me model
to the best that i know how to (:

2008-07-08T01:16:00.003+08:00

i shall never have tuition till 11PM again and i shall never take bus 12 again. the ride was so long and it made me SO tired even before tuition started :/
its fun talking to sofia, it makes me feel like a sec four all over again and makes me want to go back to girls school with my friends. but im all grown up now ):

well, the whole day has just been madness. but i guess tuition and watching so you think you can dance and the 9pm show at sofia's house made it better. seriously better. (dont ask me why am i watching the teevee at my tutee's hse, because we both liked it so we watched, haha!) tuition with her is fun because we read seventeen mags, look through her sch mag for pretty girls and talk abt guys like randall tan and christopher lee! i never expected myself to give tuition like that, haha. but yes, i do give proper tuition.

AND liudi's sms was really funneh. hahaa. i have a really cute sheep! at the end of the day, its more action than talk that counts la my dear (:

2008-07-07T01:40:00.001+08:00

i miss zhiwei and huiqi ):
i pray they come home real soon.
so that i can go hopetots with zhiwei and phleg in my bedroom with huiqi aft her tuition with my brother :D

2008-07-06T14:23:00.003+08:00

i dont want to grow older, i dont want to start school, i dont want to go for the compulsory teambuilding camp etc.

): this is so frustrating. why cant i just be doing what i have been doing for the last 6 months? going on to uni would mean more responsibilities, more time management, more tests, more struggles than before.

but yes, i know, only when i am weak, then i am strong. only through my weakness can i then boast in christ my lord (:

in christ alone, i place my trust

and find my glory in the power of the cross

in every victory let it be said of me

my source of strength, my source of hope

is Christ alone

2008-07-06T02:30:00.000+08:00

i havent blog for quite sommeeeee time (:

collegeday 2008

limin's farewell ):

Debbie's bday! (:

jontay's bday! :D

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

i think god has been so good to me! during uctm, he finally spoke to me on the issue that i have so been struggling in! LOVE (: okay hsiaoen, its time to stop procrastinating or judging and time to start loving people just as how god loves me. more of you, less of me!

2008-06-26T00:24:00.000+08:00

this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen this cannot happen

god, i commit ALL the cannot happens into your hands. may it never ever happen because if it does, you know the consequences will be so bad. if only the cannot happens dont happen, that would be awesome (:

3 less hectic days, 3 hectic days.
bday rushes and farewells.

oh man god, show me how to love like you have love me.
how i wish i was the one.

2008-06-22T02:52:00.003+08:00

it is not of human right
to stare not fight
while broken nations dream
open up our eyes, so blind
that we might find
the Mercy for the need

singin Hey Now
fill our hearts with your compassion
hey Now
as we hold to our confession

it is not too far a cry
to much to try
to help the least of these
politics will not decide
if we should rise
and be your hands and feet

woah-oh-oh,
god be the solution
woah-oh-oh
we will be Your hands and be Your feet

higher than a circumstance
your promise stands
your love for all to see
higher than protest line and dollar signs
your love is all we need

only you can mend the broken heart
and cause the blind to see
erase complete the sinners past
and set the captives free
only you can take the widows cry
and cause her heart to sing
be a father to the fatherless
our savior and our king
we will be your hands, we will be your feet
we will run this race for the least of these
on the darkest place, we will be your light
we will be your light

we will run
we will run
we will run with the solution

'the world doesnt need more money, the world doesnt need more oil, the world doesnt need more food. the world needs more forgiveness..'

the world needs god as their solution. SA needs god as their solution (:

2008-06-22T02:07:00.002+08:00

'repentance isnt about feeling bad/regretful. it isnt even about feeling sorry only. repentance might involve all this but above all, repentance is about a change in decision. .. turning away from what is bad, pursuing what is good, walking in that direction till the end.' (:

its time repentance isnt just about saying sorry. i've said enough sorries to god. let me have a change in my decision, mindset, perspective and most imptly, conviction. because my conviction will allow me to run till the end. when PJ was talking about the marathon illustration, i was telling god, i dont ever think i will have the stamina or the mental and physical ability to run a marathon in my life, but i want to run the spiritual marathon for you to the best that i know how to. i might fall, i might get distracted but at the end, i want to reach for the end victoriously with you! i want the certificate of commendation, not the certificate of participation :D

yay! and i thank god joane joined us today! (: we are on our way to FIFTEEN saints for god!

2008-06-21T01:42:00.000+08:00

as i was walking home from the 162 bus stop after our gathering last night, i started to pray (: i dont know why and the scene of me praying and walking was unthinkable in the past. probably because i didnt have that kind of maturity yet.

i started to pray for the cg, praying for the individuals instead of writing down in my prayer journal. the seemingly long and slow walk home gave me time to ponder over issues, encouragement and testimonies the group had and will have if we continue to grow as one and individually (:

at the end, god was good because he reminded me through clm and my thoughts that i was called to lead the group not because of my abilities, but because i have a willing heart and im willing to rely on him. as the group continues to grow, i pray for courage to speak hard truths into people's lives so that they can grow; wisdom to lead the group and to speak or do the right things at the right time; anionting to lead the group to greater heights, not just 11 j1s, but more because my god is a BIG god :D

let discipleship and outreach surround my daily life such that the moment i slacken off, i will be uncomfortable because its part and parcel of my life. rather, ITS WHAT MY LIFE IS ABOUT!

2008-06-18T02:57:00.000+08:00

LOVES <3

2008-06-16T01:01:00.001+08:00

I LOVE MY DEAR SHEEPS! (:

spastic but you're precious my dear! that night's call showed me how much you want to go all out for god.

im so proud of you! its more than change, i thank god that i am able to be given this privilege of being part of your life transformation

thanks for being such a sincere sheep, its your growth that has encouraged me since the day you became part of our family (:

touched by your change :D nothing mattered more than that night's talk and the increase depth in our relationship! seeing you grow make me smile. you are one sheep that has made me pull my hair to its ends but i thank you for your non-stop encouragements that really made my day

my dears, fears and inhibitions aside, lets go ALL OUT for god yups! (: i pray that god will continue to use me to impact and influence your lives as you gals consecrate your lives to continue to win SA and complete the GC in your lifetime (: whatever, whenever, i promise to avail myself to you and to teach you whatever i know because you are the ones god has given to me. thanks for loving me and growing with me since the day you knew me.

i thank god for this privilege,responsibility and friendship he has crafted and i promise to do my best for you :D

2008-06-15T02:33:00.000+08:00

i thought really long and hard if i should blog down my thoughts about camp, because even if i dont blog, so many people out there are already saying how great it was. as i look back at my posts, i never fail to blog about camp after we leave the 4 walls of winsfield, nus, sss or now downtown east.

blogged 12 times, yet among these 12 posts, there were times that the posts were just there to be admired, just there for show, just there to remind myself that god has been so good and yet, i've taken for granted the many chances that god gave me the past 6 years.

but now, this camp is different. my 13th camp, and the best one so far (:

i had a mixture of emotions and feelings throughout camp. exhilaration, anger, burdened, disappointments, familiarity and finally joy :D joy just to be in the father's presence. the past few camps were not set off on the right note. but doing the precamp devotions this time made everything right on the first day! god spoke to me in the first p&w and even though it was hurting, i knew that there were things i had to let go. areas that wasnt making god proud of me; areas that made me compromise on his standards; areas that proved to be a huge stumbling block to my inner growth.

great teachings, great p&w, great fellowship, great atmosphere but above all, a great god (:

the second day made me realise the area i needed to grow in the most, the spirit of excellence. how can i even be a qualified leader when im not seeking to do my best in everything god has placed in my hand? and on that very night, i told god, i may not be the best in everything compared to the people around me (often, i look at others and think about why was i chosen when im not as good as ________ or __________.) but because you choose me, i will choose to give my best even if it means sacrificing things that i like.

the third day's p&w, god caught me totally off guard although i was physically tired and was not in full form. child-like faith. child-like faith, my child (: teaching by shirls blew me away like how it did when she first shared in clm. the african video, shown for the third time, touched my heart again. the infinite sea of ppl standing praising and worshipping god wasnt a dream, it wasnt fiction, IT WAS REAL. and its happening. i can just imagine that happening in heaven. someone in the cg asked, ' how can the people at the back hear the speaker?' i dont know. but i know spirit touches spirit! the people are praising and worshipping god for who he is, not because of the speaker's words or voice! it was amazing.

at the end, im just glad that god spoke. he cut off the sharp thorns, re-prune so that more areas can grow and lastly, affirmed so that i can continue to run fast and far.

and im really proud of my cg! how we've grown higher in our worship for god, deeper in our fellowship with one another, i dont have to imagine, i know that as we go back to our daily lives, we will be wider in our influence for jesus (:

finally, shirls put it simply - the time has come that the four walls of the church must be broken down, people must be sent out. as much as we enjoyed camp, there’s a pressing need to reach out to lost souls.

'when the game is over, it all goes back into the box.' the game is ending real soon. have you made your move for god?

2008-06-15T00:49:00.002+08:00

i took AGES to get this down. blogger is SERIOUSLY SLOW. its not my lappie's fault.

2008-06-12T18:28:00.001+08:00

Fellowship of the unashamed

I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, love with patience, live by prayer and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up and spoken up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner is clear: I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

(: what a good closure to camp. it speaks entirely of what this camp is about and what i am going to do after camp.

ens: i should be coming out of camp feeling happy, but im not.
chias: you should be coming out of camp feeling burdened, not happy.

what words of wisdom. and it just pierced through my heart as i was walking to ehub with chias. stop being emotional ens :/

2008-06-09T02:18:00.002+08:00

oasis's today (: and im blogging!

i dont know whats the difference thats making me more excited than i thought.
probably because the group is new
probably because the theme is something different
probably because i finally did the pre-camp devotions (yeah, i didnt do the previous few camps one, but i repented! haha.)
probably because the p&w is going to be different
probably because camp is at a new venue

but above all. i think its because god is showing so much signs above how he's going to move! and i want to be the soft soil that god's presence and god's word falls upon.

VISION;AVAILABILITY;PASSION SACRIFICE, ONE LIFE-LIVE IT FOR GOD
VISION;AVAILABILITY;PASSION;SACRIFICE, ONE LIFE-LIVE IT FOR GOD.

let me be the one, god (:

2008-05-28T01:16:00.001+08:00

you know what?
i enjoyed the walk from the tpy flat to the tpy station just now (: as in, i really enjoyed. whether it was talking to kaiyang and yujun, crapping with jinger, talking to liudi;jillian or listening to tiffany's quiz, i enjoyed that walk. it was different. i dont know in what sense different, just being encouraged by the way the sacg has grown. on my walk home to put my guitar down, i was really thankful to god for whatever has happened in the group till now, how relationships have grown and trust fostered through the times we spent together. not much, but seeing ppl enjoy one another's company, thats enough to thank god :D

cg was fun too. i was so happy when jillian said she could come and i was even happier when i saw that she enjoyed cg (hopefully), haha. at first, i was worried that we had only 7 ppl coming at the start, did it mean cg would be boring and that kaiyang wouldnt enjoy his first cg. well, the cg proved me wrong (: it was really a pity don and kenny were not around! but its alright, because our fun doesnt stop here. we still got our cg cheer for camp! :DDD

i love donovan, jillian, jinger, kaiyang, kenny, limin, liudi, ruying, tiffany, xingyi, yujun... and theres more to come as god continues to work through each and everyone of us and as he moves in SA :D

i wont be blogging anytime soon. and neither will i be gg on msn because im fasting from most entertainment like teevee, msn and blogging (: so do shoo me away if you see me on msn. haha.

2008-05-25T01:16:00.005+08:00

2 lessons learnt from a day with god (:

1 the great commission is going to be fulfilled in our lifetime.
what am i going to do ; what am i going to invest in ; what am i going to tell my people?
a lot of things went through my mind as shirls asked us to pray last night. praying for my heart to expand, praying that even as my mind whirls at the thought of church planting and is blown off by what one of the church planter says, i will want to bring it back to my school first and do what i can in here before i talk about a much larger scale.
in my lifetime
thats both a scary and exciting word. scary because there are so much things undone and we have to do it within this 40 or 50 years we have in our lives. exciting because its precisely that we have only 40-50 years that we can really see how god is going to move so much more than now although he's already moving at such a fast speed.

but yes, i want to be part of this relay (: i want to cross that victory line for god.

2 god has his own perfect timing
okay this wasnt exactly learnt ytd but it was reinforced by jontay. seeing how things around me develop and evolves really shows me how god doesnt shortchange us. many a times, i fall into the trap of doing this and that which is not really necessary because i tell myself just in case god forgets. just in case. what a stupid 3 word-ed phrase. GOD DOESNT FORGETS AND GOD DOESNT SHORTCHANGE (: back doors are dumb, seriously. how can i doubt god when god has proven himself faithful to me time and time again. so just because of my own stupidity and selfishness, i go - just in case lah god. but from now, no more 'just in case'. let me be the righteous one that god will favour! (: aint that good enough. aint someone god chooses good enough, god NEVER makes mistakes. so why do i even worry.

no more i do it cos my leaders say so or the church says so, but doing it because i know thats how it all works. forcing my way and doing things my way will only result in the second best and hsiaoen, why will you want the second best? (: so the perfect timing, that will be what im waiting for. but ahhh, god, you got to remind me time and time again okay. (:

2008-05-24T00:47:00.000+08:00

GSS! (:

yay! so, i went shopping today! :DDD and i spent time with my mummy alone! what a rare opportunity since ... i-dont-know when.

4b_ _ _ ! (yihui, huiqi and zhiwei will be SO proud of me now!)
an m)phosis bag (:
a pair of heels from charles and keith
coloured french pedicure with my mummy
AND I STILL GOT THAT LONSDALE LONDON BAG THAT I WANT TO GET! its really really really pretty. ask yujun and donny! especially the purple one! oh man, i shall work more zen jobs if i want to buy it myself without the help of my parents :D BUT i want to get it before camp so i can bring it for camp. hee. so that means, my daddy shall fork it out first.

okay, it was probably retail therapy and come to think of it, i think my mummy knew i had to get some retail therapy before i drown in my so-called self disappointment. i love my mummy, luh (: that was why she was so patient in accompanying me from one boutique to another even though most of the boutiques were realy crowded. hee.

i thank god for a wonderfully made day because almost the rest of the day went well. i had a good first tuition at hougang for this tpj girl, i went to my mum's cg and saw this 2 really CUTE 3 and 4 year old kids! :D i couldnt resist my urge in getting to know them. although the end of the night was rather screwed but this is the day that the lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it (:

and today, i revived the art of being bitchy in me. im not gg to bitch here but im gg to rant to god. for once, im so glad my life is working out much better than a lot of other ppl. at least i dont go around feeling pathetic and i dont go around self-pitying that i lose my aim and purpose in life. haha. okay, i shall stop here (: this is getting too tempting. uh-oh.

2008-05-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

is your yelling suppose to scare me because im not really sure what im suppose to be scared of. rather i think your yelling is hurting me more than scaring me.

(i wanted to put my thoughts into words and at that exact moment, the protangonist on tv said these exact words which were like, BINGO)

just dont talk to me will you. its more than i thought i could ever take. gawd, i said i would try but it gets on my nerve. really! i need so much more grace love and yeah, just LOVE to overcome whatever im feeling now.

2008-05-23T00:26:00.000+08:00

omg, coupled with the fact that i lost my phone ytd. my dad must be really upset.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

2008-05-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

yes, i was half-hoping that it would have happen because i know that i would be proud to be one.
BUT no, i didnt get it in the end ):
if i were to say im not disappointed, i would be lying. but im sad not in the fact i couldnt get in but in the fact that i let my dad down. you know, when i broke the news to him, i could see his disappointed expression. as he read through the mag, he didnt say much ):
'just accept smu now' was all he said.

okay, probably half the world would have the urge to kill or strangle me because they cant exactly get into sth they want. but its different. really different. family backgrounds and circumstances are different such that many a times, we have to live up to certain kind of expectations.

everyone kept asking me why did i apply for them. and i said, ' cos my dad wants me to get in.' the reply i get? ' choose sth you want to do, hsiaoen.' the thing is, i still dont know what i want. since young, my schools have been planned out except for jc. i told my dad, ' dont worry, i went into SA but i still got 4As so i dont have to get into medicine to excel.' but i know thats not the reason. its the face, the pride

D:

okay, but i guess god knows me the best. and he knows the area i should keep away from because if i were given a choice, decisions would have been hard to make and certain weaknesses or BAD habits might re-emerged. but i really thank god for my mum, because at least she reassured me that god has the best plan for me! (:

im actually lost for words now on what im feeling :/ seeing david cook winning AI just now didnt exactly made me happy like how i thought it would be. this is affecting me quite a bit, unexpected though. i guess its because i did put in effort for the test and interviews.

(on another note, dont take this as emo. i just need time to re-adjust my feelings)

2008-05-20T00:42:00.001+08:00

i am so tired, i shall update another time. sians, i have to wake up at 630 tmr! grrrrrr.

2008-05-19T01:45:00.000+08:00

SAJC BAND CONCERT :D

the songs were nice generally. and although we sat quite at the back, we could still see jinger (: overall, the musicale was the enjoyable part i guess. the jokes the exaggerated actions the cool props and the nice background made everything nice to see and watch! the only sad thing was that jinger didnt act, which i think she should because she has SO much potential in acting considering how she always acts spastic in front of us. haha. but yeah, i enjoyed it especially cos we could spend time with the guys. see don's HAPPYYYYYYYY expression for gg out with us! haha. too bad you cant tag 'whatever' don! (:

2008-05-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

you meet someone of the opposite sex. he or she really catches your eye.
uh-oh.
then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
double uh-oh.
to top it off, this person sends you that "i'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
major uh-oh.
what about this, the person is just directly opposite you, just a cross of the road or even within your reach if you choose to take that path home.
MAJOR MAJOR UH-OH.

thank god i chose to stay put (: the truth is, we are all human and its natural for all of us to feel one way or another. BUT, the choice to stand firm, the choice to let God nurture our relationship and the choice to let the other person grow before you decide to do anything takes maturity. im not saying im very mature, neither am i so godly that i dont think much about how certain relationships i have with certain ppl can be further-ed. i did think much on my walk home just now on what would have happened if i had cross the line. uh-oh, then i could have fallen into the devil's trap and make myself more vulnerable to certain things that will tend to come after making such decisions.

now, i choose to want to be mature in my thoughts and actions. come to think of it, i should have been thinking more about raphael conviction, the jc ministry's vision and my own take-homes from today's prayer meet rather than all these! tsk, wake up hsiaoen! theres more to life than just THESE.

okay time to sleep. i have to wake up early for raph's clm tmr. shant go online then (:

(anyway, the above thoughts were inspired by the book i kiss dating goodbye. but its rather true in my life. haha.)

2008-05-16T00:15:00.001+08:00

____________________________________________________________________

after shepherding jinger at 8.30, i sat at pp mac with xingyi and we reminisced about the last 9 months plus. we were scrolling through the pictures and laughing non stop at the memories we had in first frontier camp! looking at jon, limin, shawn, raphael,xingyi and myself was hilarious. SO HILARIOUS TILL XINGYI DROOLED ONE STREAM ON SALIVA DOWN ONTO HER LAPPIE!

like, OMG.

you can totally imagine the disgust i had. but then it was really really really very funny! i forgot about what though. maybe i shld post the pics up one day to show you how funny it was. those memories were (:

2008-05-15T02:30:00.000+08:00

xingyi just told me the myammar government is not accepting any foreign aid.
WHAT KIND OF GOVERNMENT IS THIS?
when aid is the only means to help recover everything that happening in that undesirable land, the government actually puts a stop over foreign aid.when other rich countries cope so much better in disasters, the myammar government has the heart to let the needy, lost and desperate souls in the city suffer even more. gosh, that is why having an upright and people-centred government is so crucial!

alright,im not being angsty here.but its true! a corrupted and selfish government will never result in a forward-moving country. i pity those who are living in myammar and some other parts of the world where there are just too many unscrupulous so-called upright leaders fighting for their own rights rather than their people -.-

i should start treasuring singapore, haha.

2008-05-15T00:56:00.000+08:00

come and make my heart your home,
come and be everything i have and all i know
search me through and through
till my heart becomes a home for you

a home for you
a home for you
let everything i do open up a door for you to come through
and my heart will be a place you wanna be

the way to god's heart is through thanksgiving (: its not about the guitarist, not about the worship leader but me. i thank god i realise it midway through worship. if not, it would have been such a wasted trip! just like what grace tells yihui (which im really encouraged about) ," cg always makes me feel better!" yes and amen! :D

we were the reason that he gave his life
we were the reason that he suffered and died
to a world that was lost he gave all he could give
to show us the reason to live

and yes, i've finally found the reason for living

its in giving every part of my heart to him

in all that i do, every word that i speak

giving my all just for him

2008-05-14T01:43:00.000+08:00

‘do you remember those times?’

I realise, I never change. Haha. It’s been like this since the first restructuring happened, which was ages ago! each time I meet nana, vanessa or even pearly, I would go, "remember those times when…" and maybe now, my circle enlarges.

I remember telling god, I want this day and date to arrive as soon as possible. I remember saying and complaining about how things arent the same anymore and also whining that IF ONLY our pastures were as green as the others.

Just now, on the way home, I thought otherwise.
I was telling god, actually I preferred those times (I know im not making any sense here). I remember reminscing on Saturday night about how actually those were fun times we had together. Its not that im not enjoying myself at the present moment. I told god, I want my pastures to be green on our side from that day on, and it has been till this day. But, theres a difference. A real difference. Okay, I don’t think you get what I mean, but I guess im just blabbering on about how we, or rather I, tend to be so fickle when things change. And its not the first time already D:

It keeps coming back. And no, im not saying im haunted by those incidents that I lose sight and value on what im suppose to do now. Its just that, those bittersweet memories keep flooding my mind and being the sentimental person I am, its hard to keep them at the back of my head.

AHHHHHHHHHHH GOD!
Let me learn to be contented! When I gain certain things my way, I lose certain things as well. Omg, this is SO TRUE.

Oh! xingyi is staying her first night in rc, I pray that she will be alright and that she will wake up in time for school tmr! I’ve got a list on the things I can hand over to her in school tmr too. God, bless the first cg lunch we are gg to have tmr as well! Let this SACG be one that makes a statement for you in the school! We don’t want to be like the group on the left or right of the table we are gg to sit at tmr, but make us one that is so attractive and fun that others will turn their heads once they enter the café, not for the sake of being high profile, but because we want to honour you and let others see you in us (: amen!

2008-05-13T13:31:00.001+08:00

place: tpy macs

doing: blogging

haha, no. i should actually be having shepherding but debbie has gone to change her contacts because they are really blur and affecting her eyesight. dont ever buy that brand of contacts that shes wearing! although i have no idea what it really is.

ah well, shepherding with debbie and meeting limin later. in the midst of everything, i cant help but find joy in whatever im doing. i remember something that the prof of the school of medicine ask me during my interview.

" in accountancy, when you make a mistake, you lose money for your clients. but in medicine, when you make a mistake, you lose a life."

then as i was reflecting on the questions that was asked during the 2 rounds of interview in the night, i realise, in medicine, when i make a mistake, i lose a life on earth. in the kingdom of god, when i make a mistake and choose to say 'im lazy; i dont see the need to outreach; i have no time; i have better things to do than sow-ing on my friends etc.' i make a mistake of losing lives for eternity.

i dont ever think i want to make such a mistake.

okay! cg in 4 hours time. i pray that our saints meet God during cg. use me god to bring the cg's worship and dynamism to another level! (:

2008-05-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

its feel really heartwarming when everyone takes the initiative to ask and to offer help (: this is loyalty, love and ohana fully amplified. god not only taught me how to be loyal and loving, but he showed it to me through the people around me. and thats how god works, through ppl :D we're gg to overcome this tgt yeah xingyi? we are all there for you (:

"But Ittai replied to the king, "As surely as the LORD lives, and as my lord the king lives, wherever my lord the king may be, whether it means life or death, there will your servant be."
-2 Samuel 15:21

this is the kind of loyalty the church exemplifies and this is the kind of loyalty i want to exemplify. what a wonderful bunch of ppl xingyi, and i have around us. and i want to take heart at that (:

2008-05-12T15:30:00.001+08:00

Sometime,

Sometime, when all life's lessons have been learned,

and sun and stars forevermore have set,

the things which our weak judgements here have spurned,

the things o'er which we grieved with lashes wet,

will flash before us out of life's dark night,

as stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;

and we shall see how all God's plans are right,

and how what seemed reproof was love most true.

Then be content poor heart;

God's plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;

we must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,--

time will reveal the chalices of gold.

And if, through patient toil, we reach the land

where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,

when we shall clearly see and understand,

i think that we will say, "God knew the best!"

"For i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

- jeremiah 29:11

i fully agree that we couldnt lay our future in better hands. All we have to do is trust (: i want to live my todays for his kingdom and entrust my tomorrows to his providence. from here, things might be rough, smooth-sailing(which i doubt so) or even bumpy, but i will cling on because many things about tomorrow, i dont(and wont) seem to understand, but i know who holds tomorrow, and i know who holds my hand (:

2008-05-10T17:44:00.000+08:00

(i took this from jom's blog)
THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE SATB CHOIR

In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway.

THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life.. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are solid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

______________________________________________________________________
reading through whats written above brought back memories that put a smile on my face. i really really love and miss choir,making up and rushing to warm up for rehearsals, the ssssss, lalalalala, 'use your diaphragm' phrase that jeff/juliet/mr lai shouts every 15 seconds, at the back of the choir room, the walk out along goodman/cresent road as the sun sets every wednesday and friday evening etc.

i have no idea why i gave up choir for cricket. maybe because i thought i cldnt find ppl like jom and shiyun in SA chorale., haha. although i didnt go back to cchschoir that much, but i still love choir and i love EJS :D

2008-05-10T16:38:00.000+08:00

chanel, you're so sweet! :D next week aye!

guitar concert was alright. shant comment much cos the ensemble looked as if they put in A LOT of effort into it. pretty good (: although xingyi said she played wrongly for a few times. which cant be helped! haha.

one week over, but theres still a gazillion things that needs to be done. gosh, why is this never-ending?

2008-05-09T17:49:00.000+08:00

i dont know what to do, i really dont. if god, you want to stretch me, this is not how im envisioning it to be ):
what am i gg to tell my parents if i say yes to them. but then, i said yes already. OH MAN. so now, i have to think about how im gg to explain to my parents DD:
what am i gg to tell her when i meet her. i really dont want anything to happen to her because shes my only source of strength outside my grp ):

i hate this week.

2008-05-08T15:27:00.000+08:00

for the past few days, i kept asking myself, ' WHY?' not an exactly easy question to answer though. things have been piling up and problems seems to be never ending. ah well, if you know you know. if you dont, then dont bother asking because it might be because i dont feel like telling you.

but this is when chatting on msn helps! encouragements in the form of someone just talking to you, contacts still being friendly although its been like, what, some 2 months since we did the survey, and more imptly, when the wog is shared through msn. (:

'This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's'
-2 chronicles 20:15

and yes, im still reminding myself of what pj said on saturday.
WISDOM,COURAGE and ANIONTING to do OUTREACH and DISCIPLESHIP.
this is what god has called me to do and i dont want to disappoint him :D

well, i cant exactly put an answer to all the whys i have in my head. but just as i was preparing the teaching for jinger and tiffany, this verse said it all.

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive.
-1 corinthians 10:23

actually i think both sides are injured, but what can i do? i cant sit, stand, walk or talk properly just thinking about it ): ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

2008-05-06T16:35:00.000+08:00

i went for medicine essay test today. to think that they almost forgot abt my test and said that i was suppose to join the 10.30 am one (which was for foreigners only btw) but i was telling god, if this door is gg to be close, i wouldnt exactly mind. haha.

and guess what, the qns had nothing to do with medicine at all. the question for the 27th April essay test was roughly "what is one thing you could change in the medical profession?". the question for today's morning essay test was "the 21st century doctor is a complete doctor, what are your views?"and what was mine?

have you witness someone close to you done something seriously wrong? what were your reactions and thoughts towards it? In retrospect,would you have done the same thing and why?

this is so lame.to think that i went to think and read medical articles to prepare myself for this essay test. but alright, i shall thank god that it wasnt hard like the 2nd type of question or i would have died right on the spot (:

next up was the psychometric test. 182 qns. at least it wasnt as bad as the psc one which took much longer! some of the qns inside was so, hmmm, apt. it was suppose to be a true/false kind of statements about myself.

i let little things upset me more than they should
i sometimes feel too responsible for the things around me
i dont let myself get depressed over little things
Sometimes, i feel as if i've done sth wrong, even though i havent
i think about things i shld have said, but didnt
are my emotional needs satisfied?
i usually go to bed at night feeling satisfied with how my day went

this few qns are but a small percentage of the 182, but i think it speaks a lot about the kind of person i am. some were true, some were false. but at the end of the day, as long as i dont continue to dwell in all these, things should be alright.

i read somewhere while preparing for my med essay that, often we have an ego that believes someone else should dance to your tune and that if things dont turn out your way, it's disaster, mayhem, sorrow and pain. But the reality is, love cant be forced. It's either there or it's not. No amount of crying, wishing and feeling pained will make it happen when it's not meant to be. So, accept it, and move on.

im not exactly talking about love, but haha, it applies to whatever im always thinking and hesitating about. so although people have been constantly advicing me to be less sensitive,more assertive and less imaginative, its this passage today that really spoke to me today. i shall learn from this short passage - to let go and let god, no use mulling over (:

2008-05-05T16:30:00.000+08:00

yay! i thank god for the past week which was fruitful. i still rmb saying i was sian in clm on monday. haha, i prayed and yay, turned out to be hectic but good!

well, monday was wasted doing nothing practically besides clm at night, which was bad ): preparing for dentistry made my day even worse. tues and wed dentistry was not that bad, but i cld have done better i suppose. ah well, my first love aint exactly dentistry anyway, so if i get in, i get in. if not, smu's not a bad choice either.

wed was spent on ministry, thurs cg and EJS OUTING! (: friday met up with nettie sengkim bentay at liquid kitchen and whee, sat was service and catchup with the dudes with iron man :D the show was really nice although i was SO tired at 12.30am that i could have fallen asleep in the theatre if i wasnt sitting at the front row. caught up with darren and linus on ns and babe on his inspector job. its nice listening and talking with them again. its just different (: too bad shawn didnt join us.

and today, i went hopetots again. thaddeus was the same, cute and hyper as ever! he even insisted on going to the toilet with me when i had to bring emily along! :D isaiah was hyper too! these tots never fail to brighten up my day whenever i step into africa room. lunched and chilled with zhiwei after that. i think jooseng is our favourite place now! our rendevous (if thats how you spell it) is always there.

what a wonderful week when its spent with god and his people (: and on sunday, i fully comprehended what it meant by giving my all without conditions and i saw how god really blessed me when i did exactly that. i was like telling myself, rmb hsiaoen, loyalty without conditions. so its in the least unexpected that god blesses.

i love my god, really :D

2008-05-01T17:36:00.000+08:00

EJS OUTINGGG!

joined my dears after cg but didnt join them for kbox ): im so sorry! we'll go the serangoon one the next time alrights. pepperlunch is not enough. my vocals are still waiting to be used like how it was last time! not in the laughing sort of way although i laugh non-stop just now but more of like singing chuan teng and all the other songs with the both of you again! :D

2008-04-28T16:48:00.000+08:00

one word, AWESOME (:
i went thai camp with certain objectives and god not only met them all, he added upon me more than i could have imagine. now, thats a great god aint it? :D

these few pictures were taken after we went toilet. look at zhiwei, she seems to enjoy waiting for me. haha :D but the toilets were really crowded! having over thousands of ppl fighting for a few cubicles made the toilet waiting long. well thank god in the end, they converted half the guys toilet to the girls toilet! we could go for the teaching and p&w earlier than!

we took tiger to bangkok. it was really squeezy but at least we had allocated seats, so we didnt have to rush to chop seats! the only sad thing was i didnt have the window seat! well, we played bridge and slept in the plane and 2 hrs flew past just like that.

when we reach the bangkok airport, something hilarious happened. hahahahahah :D see the 4th picture? slightly after that, all 4 of them fell! and i couldnt stop laughing! HAHA. hilarious! but okay, it was partially my fault, i should have said careful LOUDER! -smirks.

the first day of camp was amazing by itself. walking into a hall filled with ppl worshipping god (as we were late :/) was such an amazing sight! seeing the thai ppl and the many international delegates reminded me of how we are not just doing god's work in singapore alone, all these ppl were in it together with us (:

it was service day on sun and we dressed up rather formerly. and you know what, their mega event - best of the year was fantastic! everything was done so excellently! i really enjoyed the service. and the best of the year was inspiring when they gave the award to the oldest believer who was SEVENTY-FIVE years old! seeing her made me want to really serve god till im seventy-five or more. being old doesnt mean i will be further away from god.

hope games was at a stadium. and at the stadium, i could really see the energy and dynamism that the hope thailand and hope manila ppl had! and their spirit of excellence was once again displayed when they continued playing even in the rain. kudos to zhiwei limin kat and seowwei who did that too! there were FIREWORKS too! i never imagine fireworks to appear in a hope camp! :D

alright, that sums up most of the pictures for thai camp and our small shopping retreat. I BOUGHT SO MUCH STUFF THAT MY 2 BAGS WERE OVERWEIGHT! 18.3 KG! :/

one thing that i was really awed about was the attitude the thais had towards god. god wasnt just a saturday/sunday god or something they can look to when they have the time, but the thais really treasured god for who god is. during praise and worship, its such a wonderful sight seeing old people still jumping, waving their hands and grooving to the praise songs despite their physical condition. which made me really think about how many a times, back in singapore, we often just stand and clap our hands because we think we are tired, because we are wary about how people will look at us if we dance. but isnt praise and worship for god? isnt god supposed to be the only audience? (: well, yes. and i reminded myself that day when i saw the 70plus year old woman jumping that i live for the audience of one. i praise god because he's so wonderful and faithful in my life.

proceeding on to the teachings, i think all the preaching and teachings were really inspiring. the way they were conveyed showed the full conviction each of the pastors had abt what they were sharing. and i really brought back much about loyalty and how being loyal to god, my leaders and my people is so important. its not about circumstances, people or common interests, neither is it about attaching conditions to what i promise god. its just making a DECISION to be loyal to god irregardless of what happens around me and thats what i really wna apply in my life. because if there comes a time when im the only one left (if that ever happens), god is still by my side. and if the maker of heaven and earth is by my side, what shall i fear? :D

wow, and i thank god for what he showed me about SA. how he reminded me of the dream the sacg had when we first came together. seeing the people on stage, seeing them being so passionate, being so proud to praise god, being so on fire for god, now thats what i want to see in SA. and i really wna do my part!

'you do your part, i'll do my part'

and those were the exact words that spoke to me. i want to do my part, i want to put in my 100%, my all in shepherding my sheeps, my all in outreaching, my all in discipling my ppl, my all in leading the group. because its only when theres 100% man, then theres 100% god (: when the african pastor came up to share a testimony about the growth of the hope african church, one sentence really made me think a lot. 'what have you done to please god?' i must say, i dont know if what i've done in the past few years in hope have pleased god, but as i worship god and prayed that very day, i told god, i want to build a saints ministry that pleases you. one that, god, when you look down from heaven, you'll be smiling, you will be pleased and you will be proud of because this generation of saints in sajc have made a statement for you in the school.

for the whole 5days4night camp at the university, the praise and worship atmosphere was so thick that it was impossible to say god wasnt there. and im so thankful that i really experienced god in the camp because like what debbie said, ' unless you've been there, you cant bring anyone else to that place' im so glad that my worship level deepened through the thai camp, which will be great because then when im back in sg, i will be able to better the worship atmosphere in my group! (:

at the end, the last song for the entire camp was the song that reverberated in my mind for very long even though its such a simple and normal song that i've sang it for many times. now, the song means much more than just a normal worship song.

'Lord i give you my heart

i give you my soul

i live for you alone

every breath that i take

very moment im awake

Lord have your way in me'

oh! we got prayed by the african pastors and peter truong too! what a privilege and honour! :D peter truong even prophecied over our group. EXPLOSION! yes! this is what we are gg to see in our unit. and he reminded us to hold on to this word even through difficult times. wow. (: i cant wait to see god's promise coming to pass!

well, camp is over. like what jontay said, 'when much is given, much is expected.' i shant just be excited that god has spoken to me, but i want to be excited in seeing how i can put into practice what i've learnt. because its only when i apply, will i see god working through me more then what i can ever imagine. let me live a life that proudly proclaim that im a christian and a hope member! :D

2008-04-18T16:15:00.000+08:00

'regina, pray for me okay, cos im really scared and anxious about going to thailand tmr.'

i would never have been able to say this just 5 months ago. god works wonders! and yeah, reg wasnt a believer in her 2 years in jc. but now she is. i feel so comforted knowing that we now share the same vision and heartbeat (:

yes, im leaving tmr! luggage almost packed, camp objectives almost done, money not yet changed; but for now, its time to pray and hope everything turns out alright :D

2008-04-13T16:30:00.000+08:00

i choose to stand for this generation

this phrase has been in my mind since i went for the planetshakers concert with nana. God hasnt failed to speak volumes to me the past few days. and im loving it (:

i remember what jontay told me and yihui on the bus one day on the trip home that set me thinking. i was thinking about a lot of things on whether i was able to cope, whether i was able to relate and whether i was being selfish if i wanted things my way. and i ask god, why should i stay? what will be the reason that will make me stay here willingly. not just because jontay told me to. well, god never fails to amaze me :D

the past few days since thursday, he has been speaking to me about this generation. from the planetshakers concert to torch's testimony and shirls' own conviction, the reason is so evident. and it is because this generation should be the one im willing to invest in! shirls and torch's conviction in america room last night was so overwhelming that i could literally feel their heartbeat, everyone must have felt it (: and as i shared to zhiwei and yihui on the way home that night on the conviction i had, i knew that, this is it. i want to be part of moulding and building this generation up. enough of all the nonsense about being inadequate,irrelevant or lonely. its not about saying and talking so much about this, but about living a life out that really shows my conviction. just as how shirls, torch and chris's lives fully exemplify their conviction, thats how i want to do it (: because im investing in something thats for eternity.

god, i said it and i commit it, use not the one on my left or right, front or back, but me. because at the beginning, i was made to serve you (: the only rewarding and most satisfying thing one can ever do in this life time is see transformed lives as we lead an exemplary lifestyle. i want to do just that god.

if this is what god can do on a normal saturday night in america room, what more in thai camp! im waiting in eager expectation, really :D

2008-04-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

in the morning, limin and i went to send the sa guys off at pasir ris (: actually, it felt really familiar because we did this in dec alr, but it was still fun. shawn's was at 9.30, shem 10.30 and darren linus at 12. all i can say is that whitesands is really far. i thank god that the 4 of them left on the same day, haha. that would mean less travelling and tpt fare! ay, 2 weeks before we will see them. in the mean time, we've got lots to do other than thinking of how they will actually look like on 25th april!

proceeded to meet paiis at parkway for picnic and kite flying at ecp. this has to be one of our most successful outings we ever had! (: and this is the first time in my life i laughed non-stop for 1 over hour. all because of our dear shujuan! i dont even think i have laughed so much before! shujuan might be a joke, but i still love her! :D it didnt even feel like a wednesday at all! its nice when we can just put aside everything that we have and spend time by the beach playing bridge snapjack and flying our kites. oh! the kites flew really high until there was no wind. D: and, the forfeits shujuan and von did was hilarious! HAHA. i think both me and xinyan had such a good laugh. my bladder was almost bursting while xy's abs were coming out!

i start to realise, as we grow older, we tend to cherish our relationship with our family and friends more. and i dont know why. its probably this sudden revelation that we could be too busy in future to keep in contact, so its best that we meet up as and when possible now so that as our friendships are build strong today, it will be built to last (:

although we still cant rmb how exactly we formed, but i love paiis, really. more on 7th may rightttt? :D

2008-04-09T15:12:00.000+08:00

adieus to darren shawn shem and linus's hair; they will be greatly missed! haha :D

okay and now, i've got to sleep in early. all these sneezing and coughing aint doing me any good :/

2008-04-07T17:48:00.000+08:00

the tpy flat is cleaner now! all thanks to yujun jontay ruying and limin! and we have our own wall to spray paint and graffiti on, isnt that cool?! to think that i sort of scolded my dad for buying this flat 3 years ago. haha, its of so much use now. :D

following after, went to meet s02 for coco's bday and the guys' farewell (: co, you were surprised right? at least before that dumb manager brought the entire cake with the breadtalk plastic bag before you. i was shocked can. literally dumbfounded. haha. so we spent the night eating at the asian kitchen and at the esplanade rooftop discussing life and playing poker. from mas selamat to the teachers in sa to ns to melvin's naughty students. its nice to be able to sit down together to talk about anything just like how we used to in cafe (: the atmosphere's different but the people are the same. no doubt not everyones here, but most will turn up i hope, the next time we meet :D and the photos below are so precious because the guys wouldnt be like that in a few days time. not that leo's really flat hairstyle today would make a difference! haha. but yeah, photos below before they go hair-less :D

oh and you can really see how sad and angsty they are about gg into ns from the look on their face! (:

honestly, i didnt know if i was happy or sad. but after today, i realise, maybe things can be like what they are now with a particular someone :D pure and natural. (haha, this sounds like a mineral water.) let me comfort myself by saying that if thats all that you see, then maybe i cant be that. i dont really dare to imagine a future like this, because of all thats happening now. but i know that i must envision sth easier, sth better so that i wouldnt feel so lost. maybe that encouragement wasnt needed. haha.

ohwells.

2008-04-06T17:39:00.000+08:00

the steamboat yesterday was good (: although not everyone stayed for the entire thing, im glad that we enjoyed ourselves with all the laughter, jokes and food at that place and that liudi and donny got to know each another better. and dont you think, all my sheeps are prettaye, right right! :D haha.

then we went to novena square to help xingyi select her class item and played munsei before we went home. oh, our cg loves children! :D all of us went crazy over this cute little boy named denzer ( i think its spelled this way )! he was really cute! ahh, photos of him are with limin because my camera died on me (its high time i change my cam), i'll put them up if i've the time. (:

2008-04-05T18:30:00.000+08:00

i cant exactly sleep because i have been thinking..

just that day, i had that i-dont-want-to-talk-to-her kind of mood. i dont know why i had this particularly strong feeling towards her. i didnt want to, but it was instinctive and overwhelming! and it spoiled the plans i had for that day D:
and just the other day, i saw this photo that got me all worked up ): i dont know why im still getting so worked up over such measely things but i couldnt help it. i think im such a jack-ass -.- i dont know if its pure unwillingness or really disdain but you were so not subtle that it hurts now when i replay that scene in my mind.
if others can do it, why cant i? you might say that im too selfcentred or plain stupid but i cant exactly get over sth like this so fast, can i? but yes, i know, this is getting way too draggy. i need my sleep badly. can i not lose any of it over something thats not worth it? D:

(and yes limin, i know you are gg to kill me for staying up so late. haha. but i cldnt help it, really. )

2008-04-05T17:10:00.000+08:00

if only, haha. i guess, god loves to throws us challenges that we dont want but have to face. im just glad everythings finally over, even if i didnt exactly excel in what god has challenged or given me. dont you think so? the grass WAS always greener on the other side.

but from today, lets make our pastures the greenest as possible, shall we? :D

2008-04-05T16:56:00.000+08:00

i was so relieved after today!

firstly, our first ctm at yakun, toapayoh was successful! esp with xingyi's phone being cranky all the time. haha. and im glad that in this team, we have a common goal towards what we want to see in our cg. (: we'll go far, yes, we will! i thank god that in spite of all the changes, I still have them to go through all the shit with me. haha, with them, everything will be alright. :D

and cg (: it was fresh and fun! with all the (sinful) icecream and brownies to make us fat, who wouldnt? but the food was fabulous, all thanks to donny and yujun! :D and things turned out better than expected, which was good! and, i've moved on, just like limin and xingyi. a new group to nurture and mould, one thats brimming with potential. ay god, i just want to give my best!

and finally, everythings over. uni application, scholarship essays and supporting documents. i have never felt more relieved than today after i inserted my last supporting doc into the box at smu. you know, all this preparation that needs to be done for the future gets on my nerve. everything from submitting photos to printing the acknowledgement forms to choosing the faculty i want to enter puts me off D: i dont ever want to do this again. once is far more than enough! haha. all the brain-racking, pulling of hair, screaming at my dad and transport fee wasnt worth it. but its over, and i thank god for it! haha.

:D
god is really good! just when i was praying real hard for a job beacuse of my increasing expensse, my tutor's coordinator called me out of nowhere to offer me a tuition job. i didnt even know who he was! and i've got a yj year 1 girl! the pay's good and its just 1 hr a week. which means i have more time for ministry! like what jontay says, god is just (: as i look back, i cant help but to see how real god is in every area of my life. im not exactly good with words because im not eloquent fluent or whatever you call it. but i know and i want to use my life to testify just how good god is.

steamboat tmr! i would never have been able to do this in the past, but now. i wna go all out. :D i cant agree more with limin. i love this new bunch of saints. let me be proud enough to say, and one day the rest, that i love my sa cg! (:

ah well, tmr's going to be a really loooooooonnnnggggg day. i need the strength to ensure that i can go through the day with enough energy to do what i need to do! thats why, i shall go off to bed now! goodnights! (:

2008-04-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

its funny how our relationships all started out with suspense and the thrill of finding out one another's likes and dislikes. then slowly but surely, it starts to evolve into expectations. we tag a level of expectation to each and every single person in our lives. the way they behave, talk, think or even react to us seems to be subconsciously evaluated by our mind no matter how strongly we try to reject that thought. and why? expectations cause disappointments and hurt, something i would rather not face, especially with the people i love. i want to stop tagging a standard or expectation to people i see or meet everyday, because just like me, they have their own fears and failures. not acting in the way i deem fit doesnt mean that they dont care or are immature. come on hsiaoen, with what you have, impact lives without prejudice (:

because,
I want to get to heaven with a life poured out,not with a life that looks perfect.

2008-04-03T17:40:00.000+08:00

one fun and fulfilling day :D

spent the morning with my mum at tpy today (: my decision to spend more time at home this week wasnt a wrong one. running errands and going ntuc with my mum today brought out all the guilt i felt since monday. i remember the last time i went marketing with my mum was in sec 3, and thats such a long time ago! we didnt really talk much throughout the trip, but the feeling of being with my mum alone was just, lovely. (:

then went to catch up and chill with kat at j8 after her all-tiring day of handling nt kids and marking scripts. i thanked god i never did take up relief teaching because i know i will never be able to handle it. D: just stories alone from those who take relief teaching are enough to warn me to keep my distance away from nt or na kids. ay kat, dont you just love me for living behind guangyang? i can just pop by anytime! haha.

after that, went pp for shepherding with the big blob of fat before gg down for pae s03 gathering, haha. :D its really nice being able to meet up with them again. esp those we havent seen since 2nd intake! and the jap place we went was really nice! another ideal place for retreats and gatherings! haha, thanks to minyi who organised it, i think! well, at least it goes to show, we still rmb one another.

and since the arsenal vs liverpool match is starting, im gg to give arsenal my fullest moral support as i go prepare my teaching for tmr. and with my support, they had better win! (: although according to freedy, their chances are quite slim. :/

2008-04-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

Was it something I said
to make you turn away?
to make you walk out
and leave me cold
if I could just find a way
to make it so that you were right here

i dont really know the tune to this song, haha. but i think i can identify so much with this paragraph of gone D: which isnt something good definitely. ohwells, i guess its time to stop dwelling in whatever emotions i have.

but dont you know, its just all a delusion and a lie?

2008-04-01T16:23:00.000+08:00

spending one day alone really allows me to sort out whatever thoughts i had running through my mind the entire day. come to think of it, going down to nus alone wasn't such a bad idea afterall. i shouldnt troubled my mum last friday to bring me down just for five seconds. yeah, you didnt see it wrongly. 5 seconds. haha.

throughout the entire journey, everything i saw was linked to something i experienced in the past. the 74 bus i saw at dover mrt reminded me of the days in seasons view (: the big function room where i mugged for prelims and Os and the warm and fuzzy jaccuzzi that never failed to make me relax each time i stepped into it. it made me rmb how my mum use to drive me around back and fro to places i want although she had so many errands to run and so many housework to do.

you know, when i was eating lunch at home one day last week, i realise my mum kept on turning her head to look at me. thats when i realise, i havent exactly been spending time with her. the way she looked at me made me real guilty. like what zhiwei said, it was the ' i want to take a few more good looks at my daughter because i havent really seen her for quite some time' kind of look. D: and thats why im going to come home for dinner every night this week! (: except on cg day. i need to make up for lost time before it becomes too late. i realise i talk as if im gg into ns soon, but nah, im not. haha.

going back to my journey, on my way home, i alighted at redhill to take the mrt. thats when i got all nostalgic. i remember that was the place we had games for student conference in 2005. the exact mrt that qian told me she was gg to be my shepherd and the exact same mrt where i was really hurt and angry towards joy, qian and the group. it was pride i guess. precisely because qian was younger than me and because she said it in front of a few ppl whom i cant really rmb. BUT, haha. i've moved on. all these are but memories that serve to remind me about my past failures and struggles and how i've grown since that student conference till now.

so i can say, i've sorted out most of my thoughts today. well, except for this one issue that i think will continue to plague me unless i choose to ignore it and let it fade with time. but for now, status quo might just be the best solution.

on a last note, from this week onwards, its a brand new stage for me. the old has gone, the new has come. and its time, no matter how i feel, to put my heart, soul, mind and strength into this new bunch of saints god has entrusted to me (:

2008-03-31T16:35:00.000+08:00

day out with paiis (: its been a long time since we sat down to catch up with one another. or rather, its just me. haha. time spent with them was little though because i was late and i had to leave at 6 ): so i didnt watch the movie with them. we ate and went arcade to play before they went off for their movie. on a random note, i think i was dressed quite shabbily compared to them because i had no more clothes to wear! just look at the photos! D: and that means 1 thing. i got to work more so that i can spend more on clothes. clothes are not an extravagance, they are a MUST :D

anyway, i was flipping through the book freedy was reading. it is really a very intellectual book. just this paragraph below alone took me a few minutes to digest. but after understanding what its all about, i realise, this is one powerful book written by a very powerful christian. I forgot who he is, but he was the spirtual father of cs lewis. Now, thats something to sit up and read about.

"the real trouble with this world of ours is not that it is an unreasonable world, not even that it is a reasonable one. the commonest kind of trouble is that it is nearly reasonable, but not quite."

do you actually comprehend what this means?

2008-03-30T18:09:00.000+08:00

our FIRST cg (: our FIRST service

first frontier!
at le meridien (:
one cg :D
sajc's farewell.
x29!

jon's farewell
xmas party at sentosa
steamboat reunion at chinatown (:
cny at linus's hse
at the pier!
blades and bikes at ecp

the orphanage
our first glimpse of cg08 (:
the grads ):
our LAST service D:
and some people fight, and some people fall

others pretend, they don't care at all

if you wanna fight, i'll stand right beside you

the day that you fall, i'll be right behind you

to pick up the pieces

if you don't believe me, then just look into my eyes

cause the heart never lies.

nine months (: neither long nor short. bittersweet, precious memories that will be cherished because we've come a long way together as a group. well, this may mark the end as a caregroup, but definitely not the relationship. the sacg and grads(nettie seowwei shawn linus darren), really my pride and joy :D my promise to you, just like how the lyrics of the above song goes. you'll be missed!

2008-03-27T17:57:00.000+08:00

supper with nettie and kat on tues night was fulfilling (: yet scary. you know, the thing about the future is that its something which we cannot control. we talked about a lot of things but at the end of the day, nothing actually seemed to have concluded. haha. the long walk home with nettie pass shunfu, pass seasons view, pass cat high was nice too. its through these long walks where we actually got to know one another deeper, where we got to really sort out our thoughts with the help of one another. i cant help but to admit that nettie really made me think about what i did in the last few months, whether it was good or bad. and she's the only one whos daring enough to ask me about things i myself am embarrassed or shy to admit about. im sure im going to miss her when she moves on to tertiary. i need someone like her to always remind myself what my actual thoughts are because i dont want to be caught on with the routine and protocols of life that i force myself to neglect these thoughts.

work with shem on wed was fun too! the people at the toy museum were really really really nice! we not only had free entrance to the 5 floors of toys, we even had a treat from the cafe's manager! :D new friends made were lovely too because they made working at the museum much more enjoyable! haha. i will be going down tmr so lets hope they are on shift tmr!

two long but meaningful days (:
well, i was thinking about what nettie said, and maybe. just maybe i realise its actually my fault. my fault that things became what they were today. my fault that i choose to avoid when things were going on fine. and because of my doing, things cannot and will not return back to what they use to be. they didnt, in reality. ): but as time rushes past (its already march 2008 if you realise) , certain memories will be erased and i really hope that this memory will be gone too. probably nothing will happen in the near future or even far future. but just as what i've said, the future is something we have no control over, so i shall just let go and let god :D

but gosh, i just realise. its hard to picture myself even doing that - erasing that part of my memory that is D:

2008-03-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

why does that video make my thoughts run wild again? why why why? ): of all things, this bittersweet feeling that strangling my every thought and action isnt helping much because nothing's going to change the fact that this feeling is taking control over what i do and how i react. haha. maybe one day, when i look back, i will realise, i wasnt just chasing after the wind, which at least gives us sth to run towards. i was chasing after nothing. doesnt that make you sound stupid! LOL.

2008-03-24T17:34:00.000+08:00

that set me thinking (:
a reality check here, things wont change because i want it to. so there, a new perspective, a new outlook. it always comes to a point whereby you want certain things whereas you wanna let go of the others. its the same now, but i cant change reality. well god, let not my mood dictate my actions because i want to be in for greater things you have in store for me! :DD
___________________________________________________________________

i suddenly feel that i've been so caught up in my own life and happenings that i've lost touch with a lot of people. and i miss them a lot.

2008-03-23T18:00:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt like you wanted to m.i.a?

i hate it when i set out to do sth and i fail myself. terribly. you can say its alright and its okay. but at the end, its really not alright nor okay. this is such a classic example and no, i dont wish to elaborate. let me just keep it to myself and perhaps, disappear. because no one would actually bother, right? and i realise, its mere obligation that keeps me so discontented and to say the least, angry.

2008-03-17T16:31:00.000+08:00

hopetots, lunch, pedicure, nus, dinner at my aunt's hse and then step up 2 :D
what limin said was true. that there are times, such as these, where we need to back away from our usual routine and people to relieve ourselves of whatever is happening. and im glad i did! the twist of events that happened today was probably god's way of allowing me to enjoy my day without any particular disturbance (:

well, step up 2 wasnt exactly as awesome as step up 1 although the dance moves were slick and cool. some were really beautiful! but, im not exactly into hip-hop or r&b so i still prefer step up 1. coupled with a love story interwined, step up 1 was definitely more intriguing. :D i was slightly sorry that i had to leave my aunt's bday celebration halfway because i knew i was compromising on the time we set aside to spend time together, but i really wanted to watch step up 2, so i forgo it. i didnt really know if i was being balance, but whatever, its over :)

and lastly, a part of me hasnt exactly gotten over it i know. but when everything and everyone else moves on, you know that you dont really have the time to drag your feet and whine so that someone will notice you. in fact, they are already moving on so fast that they find you a burden. i just hope as things go on, this kind of obligatory relationship that i, or rather, we once experience will not happen again. because if it were to happen like before, then i rather it never happen at all.

above all, now i understand why people say you can share and you can open up your life to others, but they might not neccessarily understand or empathise with you. because cliche as it might sound, only true friends stand by you, in both good times and bad. what a revelation D: i guess at times, i try to hard. but then again, how can i not when its my responsibility? and so its times like this when saturday's sermon becomes all the more applicable.

joy, something im looking and yearning for and which i know i must make the decision to be joyful in all circumstance. (:

2008-03-14T17:26:00.000+08:00

was playing with my brother just now and i realised how little time i've spent with him and my family since 2008 started. it might sound dumb, but when i hugged and fought with him, he seemed to have grown taller. which is normal definitely. and i missed the days when i came home to play, fight and just watch tv tgt with him. i really should spend more time at home nowadays (: at least before he turns 13, when he will start to build up his own world because he's growing up.

on the other hand, as i was reflecting on alot of issues that was running through my mind today, i couldnt help but to remember how i would wish that i could take a peep of (secret) everyday, although it was rather unachievable ; how seeing (secret) among the crowd would have made my heart jumped a beat ; how one phone call or sms less made me uncomfortable ; how i wished that we had the same (secret) ; how i wish that i didnt (secret); how i put up a false front to look all right in front of (secret) when actually i am not.

but now, when most things seem to go the way i want them to, i feel lost, really lost. sometimes i try, while at others, i cant help but to retract back whatever i had set out to do. ohwell, i guess, ultimately, god loves me and he doesnt want me to fall into temptations that will draw me away from him, that will be beyond what i can bear (: its so true, even right now.

i hope (secret) becomes a thing of the past now. it will very soon be, with god's strength, grace and my decision to want to obey the right things at the right time :D

2008-03-12T17:48:00.000+08:00

LONGEST GIRL SURVEY EVER
-don't be shy, fill it all out-

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
nope.

2. Have you kissed any one on your toplist
nah.

3. Are you happy with your looks?
yeah, perfectly. its my height thats a problem.

4. Do you enjoy drama?
Yeah!

5. Are you a girly girl?
kind of i suppose.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
my little brother (:

7. Small or large purses?
large.

8. Are you short?
yeah -.-

9. Do you like someone?
yup.

10. What would you do if someone smacked your butt?
i will smack that person's butt back. lol.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Of course!

12. Do you think you’re conceited?
thats not for me to judge isnt it?

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
Nope.

14. Are you double jointed?
what is double jointed?

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
Uhm, does an industrial park count? but that place was cool! :D

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
of course not.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
I dont think so.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
i cant exactly remember

19. How many guys will read this just because it says- Girl Confessions?
how will i know?! :)

[ ] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[ ] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[x] I love to laugh.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[ ] I like rap.
[ ] I like techno.
[x] I like country.
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] I’d be lost without my lappie and cell phone.
[x] I own a spice girls CD.
[x] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own a Boy Band CD.
[ ] I get bored watching football.
[ ] I’ve never been called a spoiledbrat.
[ ] Guys are confusing!
[x] I’ve been called a bad influence.
[x] My friends are the best.
[ ] I have a piercing other than myears.

Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?
I aint wearing one now.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guy?
dark-haired thats for sure (:

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
YES.

4. Do you have a best friend?
yup! :D

5. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes, who hasnt?

6. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
yeahh.

7. Do you like your life?
its pretty good now, so why not?

8. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
not at the moment.

9. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
more of being pushed or pulled into the pool!

10. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
girls definitely.

11. How long have you had friendster?
i havent really checked friendster for quite some time, so im not sure.

12.Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
yeahh.

13. What are your biggest fears?
rejections straight in the face

14. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
yup.

15. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
YES totally.

16. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater"?
nope, its all about second chances. haha.

17. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Of course!

18. Do you ever wish you were famous?
well, kind of.

19. Are you currently missing someone?
yeah. but thats for me to know, and for you to find out. :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i fake a smile so he wont see
remind me, never to fall into this trap again

2008-03-11T17:26:00.000+08:00

it was hilarious in clm! hahahah.

should + can - want = is this just a job?

well, no (:
for now, its
SHOULD + CAN + WANT = ENJOY :D
and this is what i should enjoy doing.

i've never ever felt so convicted before! (:

2008-03-11T15:04:00.000+08:00

the massagers at citispa suck! i should be feeling lighter and more comfortable. instead, i feel like i have a hundred blue blacks on my back. this is so wasteful. but thankfully, kat yihui and i signed up for packages at statice instead of citispa! (: i hope they are more professional. i have to go walking around sengkang tmr with bruises on my back ):

and taylor is very pretty.

Teardrops On My Guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

2008-03-08T18:38:00.000+08:00

went out with js after results (: the meet up was really random with them calling me half an hr before results and it being decided within a few seconds. but i thank god for them, who came down all the way after school just to support me :D

wanted to go for step up 2 but the previews were all at night, and shiyun cldnt make it. so in the end, we went to eat sushi, skim through sa yearbook and camwhored. hanging out with them reminds me of our choir days, sweet memories that will never be erased with time. :D and when jom said that we were like branches spreading out, i get what she mean, lah. but thats life i guess. and thats why catch ups and gathering are all so important. because it ensures that we still rmb that our lives were once intertwined. sheesh.im suddenly reminded of how i missed paiis gathering last week cos i was sick. darn it.

a true friend is someone who completes your sentence.

its so true, aint it? (:

2008-03-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

God knows what i need and when i need it.

REST (:

and i got it. now, its time to unleash everything i have for the next few days. its gg to be another hectic week, but with god's strength and grace, everything will be alright!

2008-03-01T15:59:00.000+08:00

work, pioneer, work.
work, pioneer, work.
i guess at the end of the day, god does reward. just like today (:

at least the harvest today and this video brought a smile to my face.

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4362044
go watch the "is this toddler the fifth beatle?" video. sweet!

2008-02-28T15:59:00.000+08:00

and now, everything changes.
what goes around, really comes around. ):
and lord, all i want is to be a better person. cant i attained that?

geez, the signs are becoming more and more obvious.but if i do,many will be disappointed.what do i do now God? pack up and leave, or continue in this shit. i really dont know.
questions, but no answers. or probably, i have the answers, but i choose to ignore them. siannnn. am i dumb? when was it that i realise, i was leaving behind a facade all this while.
i need a few days break, seriously. but i cant afford it. even now, i need to entertain when i dont feel like it at all. all i can say is, if you see it, you see it. because other than that, i can do or say nothing else.

and now, even complete doesnt encourage me. how hell can it get. ):

2008-02-26T16:58:00.000+08:00

went for the first trial at acm today. it felt more of an excursion trip then work! i think the museum is way cool, lah! :D and the surveys werent really that hard. we even took pictures along our way. haha. but kevin stopped us! D: i shall take more another time.
in the evening, met up with reg and leqi to celebrate reg's bday. we went to swensens for our favourite black pepper seafood pasta and talked (: now we know whats our five languages of love! caught up loads because its been a long time since we saw reg because she has only time for her bf. haha. and, i guess, we shall see each other this fri again. we are meeting for breakfast to calm ourselves down, which will be much needed for me. ):

at WORK :)
our new friend! :)

SWENSENS!

and i realise, 2 megapixels aint enough. my picture resolutions are pathetic! ): i shall use my camera more often.

and and, ): its my last night at sunglade serangoon! no more train rides home with debbie zhiwei and xingyi! bishan aint exactly new to me, but i have no one to go home with me! ): sheesh. serangoon is so much nicer. down with moving house and rents! seriously, when i get married, i wouldnt move so often. this nomadic lifestyle SUCKS. i dread the day in less than one years time when i have to move to tpy AGAIN. ultimate SIAN-ness.

2008-02-25T17:08:00.000+08:00

im so tired from packing my entire room for the move. i dread moving from house to house within such a short span of time ): and i just realise i have so much clothes that i need 3 BIG luggages before im able to shift my entire wardrobe to the new place. and thats excluding one big bag of clothes im planning to throw away. hahah. wells, before i go catch up on my beauty sleep to re-energise myself for tmr's work, here are pictures to show you how cute the kids at hopetots are, and how much fun we had at ecp today as a cg. and i just realise today the tots also like to cam whore! like, OMG. they were so excited about taking pictures. some of the pics below were even taken by isaiah! he might just become the next world's famous photographer. sweet! see and enjoy for yourself. (:

TOTS!

AT ECP! :D

if you are a really observant person, you would have notice that xingyi wore the skates wrongly! haha. AND it was an eventful journey! darren was a scary bike driver, linus was a good skater, xingyi couldnt stop screaming and seowwei and xingyi fell down. i think at the end, only limin and i were considered safe and sound! lovely memories created! (:

2008-02-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

why and how?
it took me a long time to satisfy myself. and im still thinking about it.
at the end, if i just walk away. all i can say is

i am sorry,
even if im called irresponsible or a weakling.
because at the end i chose my pride.
just leave me alone.

2008-02-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

its not about what you say, its about what you do
and if you dont like the person you're becoming, then do sth about it
because nobody going to do it for you.

often, when people say that decisions become easier when our thoughts and visions are clear. i dont really think so. the options are lesser, but the decision aint much easier to make. because ultimately, theres something that needs to be sacrificed, whether you like it anot. and the thing i have to sacrifice this time, hurts.

all in all, a fruitful day out with nettie and limin. met pam, did our hairs and went for the briefing at jrc. couldnt pioneer in the end, which was a little disappointing because we were quite prepared for it. but, next week it shall be. (: and hello, love soon. will history repeat itself? well, i pray and hope not.

and when joshua told me this morning that results will be out next week, my heart skipped a beat. because not like what everyone else thinks, im not exactly excited about getting back my results. thanks, but no thanks.

okay, forget what i say.

2008-02-22T16:50:00.000+08:00

my pride says, " yeah thats it, just walk away and forget it. let them be."
but my heart says, " just forget about the pride you idiot, because you love these ppl. till you convince them, dont leave."

and when you ask, how did i become so broken?
thats because i fell deeply in love, and at some point, the people that i love forgot to love me back.

but joshua put it well enough.
joshua says:
endure through this ... first.
joshua says:
usually when life sucks, good thing is that it can't get any lousier

and one thing that i've learnt from all these, best friends are called best friends for a reason! (:

alright, i got to get pumped up for tmr. when everything starts all over again.

2008-02-21T16:43:00.000+08:00

you know sth, it didnt really hit me today. instead i felt worse. like, why am i having thoughts that i should not be having, having emotions that drains me, facing things that dont exactly encourage me.

i ask myself, what am i in this for? its the same thing all over again. all over again.
i guess i just need that somebody who makes me laugh, whom i can trust and who turns me on to lead me back to the right path. or maybe, just that somebody who wants me back. that will be more than enough, for me.

2008-02-21T06:24:00.000+08:00

The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

Buried deep as you can
Dig inside yourself,
And covered with
A perfect shell,
Such a charming
Beautiful exterior.
Laced with a briliant smile
And shining eyes
Perfect posture
But you're barely scraping by
You're barely scraping by

This is one time
That you can't fake
It hard enough to please
Everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that
You refuse to leave
The refuge that
You've built to flee
The places that
You have come to fear the most.
Buried deep as you can

Dig inside yourself,
And hidden in the public eye.
Such a stellar
Monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles
And shining eyes
And perfect makeup
But you're barely scraping by

has this become the place im starting to fear the most?
i hope not
but then i remind myself,
its not a choice, really
its a lack of choice
because if i had a choice
i wouldnt be where i am today.

2008-02-19T16:55:00.000+08:00

hugs are bandages and plasters to a broken wound.
im asking myself, do i need a hug badly now? or does someone else around me need that hug.
well, hugs are free arent they. and they have this great way of making things seem much better and easier to bear after one try. (: i need a hug badly though.

and cmm is hot! well, not just that, his eyes are amazingly gorgeous. i could have died just looking at it. :D

2008-02-17T17:06:00.000+08:00

down to tampines ikea with nessa after service. its been a long time since we really spend time together but we had fun! (:

i went around looking for my furnitures while she helped me pick the nicer ones. so in the end, i got a red sofa, white bookshelf, white closet and a white wardrobe :D though not all to my liking. spending time with her made me miss the times in chungcheng. you know, sharing about our lives made me realise how much we've grown and how fast time has actually passed. but thankfully, even as time fades, this friendship is here to stay and i really thank god for her in my life because she was the one who supported me through the tough times in chungcheng cg (:

and, needless to say, today was great and awesome! not because of the ess, the singing or the worship, well, those were great, but what was great was seeing my efforts paid off, seeing them saying yes AND seeing them being able to enjoy what i have been enjoying the past 10 years of my life. God is definitely GOOD! :D

2008-02-16T17:32:00.000+08:00

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
there, it will be a total blast later! im demanding and expecting alot, but who cares. because i have a great and mighty God :D

and, oc is nice! (:

2008-02-15T16:46:00.000+08:00

i dont care anymore, really.
because if its meant to be, dragging things along wont help.
living in other's expectation, pleasing people that i know i shouldn't be.
wake up hsiaoen, there's more that needs to be done. (:

2008-02-14T17:38:00.000+08:00

work has been fun so far! with the endless chinatown trips and door to door routine of sengkang, what keeps me going is limin and the nicey people of compassvale way, i think! (: who ever said that survey was boring? not when i get to meet different kind of ppl, cute dogs and pretty little girls! i thank god for the 6 surveys done in one day. quite a feat i must say considering that one survey was at least FORTY minutes. yay, im so proud of limin and myself. :D

but if you can see, im anything but happy.

2008-02-13T17:29:00.000+08:00

the vday gifts i spend one evening doing! there are more words on the testtube too. i had to go all the way to chungcheng to get the testtube but it was worth it (: the lighting for the pictures arent exactly nice because it was night and my house has only yellow light :/ but the gifts are nice and pretty! haha. if you dont get one, then too bad :D

so i went back to cchs with nessa today! (((: from the bus stop, everything suddenly became nostalgic.
from the overhead bridge to the long walk in,
from the rows of private houses to the crossroads of cresent road and goodman road,
from the front gate to the grand audi block to the canteen block,
every memory captured throughout that 4 years came back :D
and i saw yang lao shi and wu meixian! and to think that mrs kee actually forgot who i was! ): but i enjoyed the trip back! its been a long time since i stepped in but i dont think this will be the last (:

now, enjoy what chungcheng is like because if you didnt know, its compound is HUGE :D

2008-02-11T18:38:00.000+08:00

sat
yay! i managed to meet wanleng after so long. (: we went to eat the long awaited pasta at taka which was nice according to her. i was full from the meal at hk cafe and so didnt eat ): but it smelled really nice! then we went to walk around and at taka, we saw zhao, frannie, calcy and tiffany. its been a long time since i last saw them. and i havent met up with calcy yet. soon though :D after that, we went to watch movie with freedy and zhiwei. cj7 and kungfu dunk! haha. cj7 is much better than kungfu dunk for me! but probably because i was quite tired after cj7 and wasnt in the best mode to watch kungfu dunk. the only thing that kept me awake for kungfu dunk was the bball player! he was handsome! wanleng left after the first movie cos she wanted to get her bag and join zhao they all. wasnt quite a fruitful catchup but more soon with weiting and siyu the coming week ((:

sun
went hopekids in the morning! the turnout rate for the kids was really really low. xaviour and thaddeus wasnt there ): and that left only miciah jonjon and isaiah for me to play with. but it was still fun! :D children will always be children!
went for sakae lunch after hopetots with freedy peter and zhiwei. total random, but haha, nothing bad or awkward! took pics too, but cldnt stay long cos i had to fly to dover where singgih was. he reached really early! and tgt, we went to linus hse. it wasnt too bad there. cards, xbox soccer and camwhoring in the living room. those were memories. (:

at sakae!

at linus's hse

2008-02-10T17:18:00.000+08:00

just to be by your side there is hope in my life,
there is no greater freedom i've found (:

2008-02-09T18:49:00.000+08:00

after 5 hours of visiting, i finally got out of the misery of sitting, smiling, snacking, saying nice phrases like ' oh, i just graduated! ' and hearing nice but oh-so-cliche kind of phrases like 'wow, she's grown taller and prettier! ' which seriously make me doubt their sense of sight because if the measuring tape does not show that i have increase in vertical length, how can their eyes be so certain that i've grown taller. well, adults will always be adults. come one day, i might find myself saying this cliches when i have nothing else to say to my nieces and nephews in future.

i went to zhiwei's house after everything for her in-house buffet and jap hanakimi! omgosh, the japs are cute, no! to be exact, they are HOT!i dont mind going to japan to get one as my husband! :DD then zhiwei debbie me zixin freedy and gideon went to jooseng for singing. its been a long time since i went there for a blast in the mic! but i had fun! (: mac supper with loads of twister fries and 2 sundaes. thats how my day went.

and now, its just 5 hrs and approximately 30 mins away from jc clm! i need my sleep badly! D:

2008-02-09T05:08:00.000+08:00

what if i say that im tired,
what if i say i cant hold on any longer.
sometimes, when bits and pieces of the sky starts to crumble down,
and when things around me starts to swirl a little too fast
then i know that maybe,
i should have given up and left long ago,
and that my decision to stay on in the hope that things will turn out alright
was really a mistake.

because maybe, no one knows and no one understands what i have been doing.
and its not fun doing things which people dont appreciate or just simply ignore.

on a happier note, off i am for cny visiting! more pineapple tarts, loveletters and redpackets! (:

2008-02-08T17:35:00.000+08:00

often, when time seems to stand still, besides sandcastles, dreams of the future start to unfold in the subconscious part of my brain (:

nope, not thinking about anyone in particular. just thinking of how i can best live my forty odd years with the best one for me, and that means love and commitment :D

2008-02-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

sweeney todd was gross, but not exactly gore. the ending wasnt something i expected as well, but oh wells! haha, it was sad darren had to leave when the show was almost done. then we walked all the way to far east in the hope that i could at least get either a belt or necklace, but all the shops were closed! and that means 1 thing - i have no new belt or accesssory to match my new clothes this cny! ): what a horror! but i still have to choose my clothes. so im off planning my outfits untill sunday while listening to The Virgins! (:

2008-02-04T16:33:00.000+08:00

(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

jubilation

The act of rejoicing.
The condition or feeling of being jubilant.
A celebration or other expression of joy.

and nope, the euphoria didnt come from the wine i drank, it came from the voice of leqi :D because the joy of seeing your loved one crossing over beats taking thrill rides a thousand times, beats drinking all night, beats the high you get when you get 4As and lastly, because it crushes satan! no wonder i chose to stay because its hard work like these which pays off, that shows 1 corinthians 15:58 coming alive.

1 corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain

2008-02-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

a little bit here and a little bit there makes a huge difference.
i guess, thats what keeps me going.
and well, that pat, words of encouragement and limin's contact turned things the right side up again! no more dwelling, just moving on. cos its the right thing to do (:

2008-01-25T15:34:00.000+08:00

i didnt choose him, he chose me!

sth simple, yet life-changing. :D

2008-01-23T19:25:00.000+08:00

yay! we managed to celebrate both geks and xiaolan's bday! and we bought for them each a cup and a pretty card! (: and finally, geks managed to catch up with co and xiaolan which she didnt last week. dinner was funnnn too! we ate and played the slapping game, and we laughed about all the things we will attempt to do in future. hahha. geklancominen. i thank god for these girls in my life, of which without them, jc life will be so boring and meaningless. :D

and zhiwei did a collage for our day out on sunday too! (:

and my job at st. hilda's wasnt too bad either. :D the kids were generally nice and sweet except for this one boy who kept asking me the retarded qns of "teacher can you help me do?" totally irritating! but i enjoyed it. going back for more next tues!

2008-01-22T13:02:00.000+08:00

Here i am oh lord
i bring this sacrifice,
my only life, i offer up my life
i look to you lord
your love that never ends restores me again

so i lift my eyes to you lord
in your strength will i breakthrough lord
touch me now
let your love fall down on me
i know your love dispels all my fears
through the storms i will hold on lord,
and by faith i will walk on lord
and i'll see beyond my calvary
one day
and i'll be complete in you.