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favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
- Proverbs 31:30 /

i typed one whole blog post and deleted it soon after.
i typed a few long smses and deleted them as well.
i thought a lot for the entire day and the only conclusion i drew, although unwillingly at times was


why?
because i dont have the liberty to be angry at times,
because i dont have the liberty to show my frustrations openly when i really am
because i dont have the liberty to do whatever i want without people coming to tell me: hey ens, that wasnt very right.
because i dont have the liberty to ignore even when i really really want to
because i dont have the liberty to argue and pretend nothing ever happen
because i dont have the liberty to gossip and bitch and do everything a girl would do
because at the end of the day, the life that i lead are linked to so many others that one wrong move i make might just result in a catastrophic consequence.(probably not that bad, but it will still be bad)

im not exactly a mel person, but i know i've been thinking the whole day on alot of issues. at the end of the day, people are concern, people understand after they hear about stuff, but somehow, i feel that i want to be selfish enough to keep my thoughts to myself. i dont want the same thing that happened to Y and me to happen again. maybe i shld really heed D's advice followed by C.

there will never come a day i will be able to do everything well, but i just want to tell myself with a clear conscience, like what C said, that i've done my best (:
but what constitutes my best?
i really dont know.
but,when my best causes me to be misunderstood, causes me to fumble, causes me to think twice about what im doing, i dont know if i want to continue my best, seriously.