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favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
- Proverbs 31:30 /

i typed one whole blog post and deleted it soon after.
i typed a few long smses and deleted them as well.
i thought a lot for the entire day and the only conclusion i drew, although unwillingly at times was


why?
because i dont have the liberty to be angry at times,
because i dont have the liberty to show my frustrations openly when i really am
because i dont have the liberty to do whatever i want without people coming to tell me: hey ens, that wasnt very right.
because i dont have the liberty to ignore even when i really really want to
because i dont have the liberty to argue and pretend nothing ever happen
because i dont have the liberty to gossip and bitch and do everything a girl would do
because at the end of the day, the life that i lead are linked to so many others that one wrong move i make might just result in a catastrophic consequence.(probably not that bad, but it will still be bad)

im not exactly a mel person, but i know i've been thinking the whole day on alot of issues. at the end of the day, people are concern, people understand after they hear about stuff, but somehow, i feel that i want to be selfish enough to keep my thoughts to myself. i dont want the same thing that happened to Y and me to happen again. maybe i shld really heed D's advice followed by C.

there will never come a day i will be able to do everything well, but i just want to tell myself with a clear conscience, like what C said, that i've done my best (:
but what constitutes my best?
i really dont know.
but,when my best causes me to be misunderstood, causes me to fumble, causes me to think twice about what im doing, i dont know if i want to continue my best, seriously.











how many times do ppl know that when you are silent, you are hurt? the same feeling came back all over again. but this time, his words came into my mind. i dont want to put my own stumbling blocks into my own paths, because that would hurt myself and the people ard me.


finished ftb run 2 (: a sense of achievement. and like what qianjin said, i really learnt from this camp. but apart from the learnings, i was really shagged. havent had such camps for quite some time and im having muscle aches and blue blacks ): okay, probably not as much as the rest cos i didnt do tunnelling ): or played most of The Last Stand games but its hurting and i have no idea how im gg to drive tmr. i wont have strength to press the clutch!

i feel like such a pig because i slept from 2 last night till 10 this morning and then from 1 till 7 at night. my bed never felt more comfy than before and the food on my dining table never felt SO nice before. the food at ftb was seriously BAD.

clm last night was great :D there's always timely reminders on what i can, have and should do even more for my group whom like god, deserves the BEST.

worship was apt
if you were to lose the whole world, would you still choose god?

teaching was good
“Not all readers become leaders. But all leaders must be readers.”
– Harry Truman

and yes i get it, i shld start reading the book jontay passed me. enough procrastination and enough its-not-in-my-blood kind of attitude. like what shirls said, if you dont have it, just go and get it.

last phrase that really got me thinking.